Meet the Fitbittiest

We are proud to announce the Fittbittiest, the much improved-upon watch slash gate-keeper of the body slash mentor slash Yoda of the nebula that is you. Whereas the Fittbittier only operated between 50 and 500 degrees, Fitbittiest runs from -100 to +1000 degrees Celsius—handily operational on Venus or Mars (as well as our own dear planet). Whereas Fittbittier necessitated a battery charge once a presidential term, Fittbittiest can run a full decade without a single recharge—and let’s be honest, in a decade’s time you will have moved on to something else or suffered a life event or lost your FBST anyway, human nature being defective and tragic. For now, you must quantify every breath and cough and blink and ear wax buildup and slight vitamin or mineral deficit, as you already know.

New features of the Fitbittiest include the following:

–Guiltometer. Previously activated with the food long function, which could indicate precisely whether or not your mother or spouse would approve of ingested items, the Guiltometer will apply guilt to all various and sundry activities—flossing (or, let’s be honest, lack thereof), kung fu films, lack of children, only purchasing a lame birthday gift card for fill in the blank instead of a “real” gift. Able to toggle towards shame within a moment’s notice, also.

–Urinator. This new function will indicate precisely the level of dehydration as measured by a common stream of urine. Utilizing pixilated close-ups of your up-to-the-nano-second urine hue, this function will also inform the owner exactly how many ounces of water should be immediately consumed. The urinator can also detect to what extent the owner’s urine smells of asparagus (and how recently such asparagus was ingested). The asparagus bar graph will measure precisely the percentage of asparagus odor present in the urine and the precise level of disgust the odor arouses in those within a fifteen and a half foot radius.

–The nailerator. This function tracks finger and toenail growth and uses precise nail imaging to indicate to the owner of the Fitbittiest on which day he/she should trim his/her nails and at which precise angle the nails should be trimmed so as to maximize nail efficiency and promote healthy hand and foot usage. That’s pretty important.

–The carearator. If you find yourself caring too much, this function will track the rise in blood pressure triggered by a given event (an e-mail, a meeting, lunch with ex-significant other, discussions of politics, Justin Bieber whereabouts, the fate of the universe). The carearator can also, for those who suffer from apathy, track low blood pressure faced with life events (job application, job interview, job, waking up in the morning). We aim to please.

–The mucoiderator. This function actively tracks the quality of the owner’s nose mucoids by using a graph to inform the owner when the nose might be best blown. This, as we all know, is vital information. The mucoiderator also does track nose picking and zaps the owner with a light electromagnetic surge if the negative reinforcement function is activated within. The mucoiderator also indicates precisely how many nose hairs might disrupt the healthy flow of nasal secretions and to what extent such unsightly hairs might be trimmed, yanked or zapped.

–The perspirator. This function simply reads how much the owner’s skin is sweating per square inch. The utility of this information dovetails into the Doyouwantsomewater function. Also, see urinator function above.

–The tooquicktofallinloverator. If your heart beats too quickly at the mere sight of Milas Kunis in her sweats flopping down the street, with half-empty latte, hands over eyes to avoid the paparazzi, this function will let you know to rein it in. This function tracks heartbeat, perspiration, plus the ineffable. Conversely, this function can also track precise glandular and pulse-related movements for a significant other, if applicable, which, we are aware, may read at a slightly lower level.

–The hairgrowtherator keeps the owner on top of it by reading precisely how many nanometers one’s hair grows in a single day. This function also comes with nose and arm and leg and ear hair accompaniments, if needed.

–The pooperator. This function allows one to follow, not only the number and precise liquidity of each bowel movement, but it also tracks color consistency, texture and other such traits it’s not polite to discuss. The neuroticoarator may also be triggered within the pooperator proper. This function synchs with the worrylikehellerator, which indicates to the owner exactly how much we should freak the hell out about everything.

Whereas the first generation of such devices primarily followed sleep and heart rate and number of steps taken, the next generation caresses the buyer with such a multitude of information that he/she considers buying another device simply to manage the Fittbittiest.

Water-resisant, hammer-resistant, potbelly pig resistant, craft beer resistant, equipped with a six-axis gyroscope, seven axis acceleramater, hyper-campus cultimeter, SPS, mini-microwave oven, flame thrower attachment, E-bay app (bid on that vintage owl clock whilst ellipticating your head off), digital Swiss Army knife, defogger, heating pad and car seat warmer, the Fittbittiest also allows you, dear active owner, to earn virtual and real electromagnetic points—accumulate enough and you will become part owner of some miniscule percentage of the company itself. The Fittbittiest can now even track the exact number of sighs you emanate an hour, which is an excellent measure of exactly how many times you might really do that. It is indicative of something. It also has something to do with magnesium, maybe?

Even when you are sleeping, Fittbittiest measures your every breath and when you awake refreshed and alert Fittbittiest will offer you a precise measure of how many ounces of coffee will maximize your ultimate potential at any given moment. Then it will dissect the precise array of vitamins and/or minerals you should ingest along with the exact timing of when to best ingest a kelp, kale, and sea nettle smoothie before your morning run (see if you can make it the full five K this time, lazy bones). It knows you can do better this morning—you only completed ten thousand one hundred and sixty seven steps yesterday. You are so ungainly and slow and such a fitful sleeper, as you know. We can do better. No more chocolate until the 28th at approximately 2:38 p.m. 2:39 would be even better.

 

Nathan Leslie recently won the 2019 Washington Writers' Publishing House prize for fiction for his book Hurry Up and Relax (to be published October, 15 2019). Leslie’s nine previous books of fiction include Three Men, Root and Shoot, Sibs, and The Tall Tale of Tommy Twice. He is also the author of a collection of poems, Night Sweat. Nathan is currently the series editor for Best Small Fictions, the founder and organizer of the Reston Reading Series in Reston, Virginia, and the publisher and editor of the new online journal Maryland Literary Review. He lives in Northern Virginia with his wife, Julie.