Things That Are Perfectly 100% Safe to Talk About, For Now (We Promise)
Dear Social Media Utilizer—
We are aware that in the current political/cultural climate it is quite difficult to find common ground with your friends and acquaintances online. Many SMUs have found themselves doused with hot water by virtue of a mere “like,” “share” or otherwise jovial posting. As a result, we have determined that all SMUs must be forewarned of the potential pitfalls of a world increasingly on edge. It is with this in mind that we have arrived at the following recommended “safe topics” for social media discussion, subjects which, you may trust, can be deemed devoid of controversy (with a few miniscule caveats).
–Wash your hands.
–Traffic sucks. Even if traffic does not suck, saying traffic sucks will be met with vast social media approval. Caveat—please refrain from any and all specifics regarding who is causing the sucking, lest you provoke the wrath of pro-state or township governance friends, motorcycle friends, trucker friends, bicycle friends, pedestrian friends, sports car friends, sedan friends, Uber friends, SUV friends, skateboarders.
–Your hometown sports team or teams suck. This works well even if your HSTOT are in first place. Because they still sometimes suck or suck in particular ways. Saying your HTST is good or great will only spark the annoyance of your friends/family/acquaintances who root for that other team. Saying that team sucks is, of course, a no-go. Caveat—when saying your HTST sucks make sure to indicate that you are a fan of said team. Otherwise, FFA who root for your team also may believe you root for another team and are casting aspersions upon your HTST without it being your HTST.
–Leaf blowers suck. Even if your FFA are owners/users of leaf blowers they too may hate them and would never admit that they use them, or more likely hire day laborers in a pinch. So you are good.
–You like sunshine and are so happy to see the sun. A post of this sort will generate, on average, 2,027 likes and at least 29 shares.
–Flowers are pretty. Insert flower emoji and hearts slash unicorns. Or unicorns surrounded by hearts.
–How you wish you could bite a mosquito and suck its blood and give it some kind of pseudo tropical disease, maybe. Nobody defends the mosquitos, so you are okay to rage.
–Puppy dogs are cute. Caveat—no specifics on dog breed, lest you ruffle the feathers of owners of other breeds of dogs or lovers of other animals. Correction: best to not to really specify “puppy” either—we suggest “small animal.” Closer to neutral and lacking preferential bias.
–Blue is a “nice” color. Avoid, however, saying “the nicest.” Some colorists can be rather intense about their color loyalty. Insert tidal wave of hearts slash unicorn emojis to soften the blow to Greenists or Yellowists.
–Vacations are fun. Caveat: for God’s sake, do not mention that you often take vacations or that you just “crossed another destination off your bucket list,” lest you offend the FFA who cannot afford to go where you go or who have a limp or who might, for one reason or another, harbor feelings of envy or inferiority. Make sure to make mention of the “uncomfortable” or otherwise “unpleasant” moments that occurred during your trip to effectively downplay your utter joy and make everyone feel better about not being on your “sort of ghastly vacation” (that you secretly loved). If you did not experience uncomfortable moments, feel free to ad lib and/or fictionalize on a need-to basis.
–People who are not as nice as you all can just cease to exist now. For instance, that asshat who did not hold the door open for five full seconds, but ceased holding it after three seconds. And this guy everybody is friends with but nobody knows is an example. Hating the haters=always safe.
–This paper cut on your finger hurts (even though it’s totally your fault—it isn’t). Insert hurricane of crying emojis and sad puppy dog faces.
–The ineffectual slash lame Congress can bite you in the butt. Hating Congress=safe.
–All corporations are the spawn of Satan. Same same.
–Where can you buy some more of this good mulch to spread in your flower bed in the beautiful sun?
–Flying sucks and airlines really suck. See mosquitos above.
–That baby is cute.
–Go vote (and here is a pic of my just-adhered “Voted!” sticker).
This is the end and entirety of the list of pre-approved topics for posting and discussion on social media. If your topic for posting does not appear on this list it is likely to cause acrimony and/or disruptions amongst your FFA cohort. As a result, we cannot fully condone any social media posting that does not appear on this list. We also advice strongly against any follow-up commentary likes, links to other forms of sharing that may contain material deemed mild to lightly annoying by some members of your FFA cohort. We trust, dear SMU, that this information has been of some utility in the pursuit of your social media aims and goals.
President of Social Media Utilizers Society, Chapter 86